‘Who am I now?’ Navigating identity shifts.
- Gemma
- Apr 4
- 4 min read
A common and quietly powerful question that brings people to coaching is: Who am I now? Sometimes it’s asked explicitly, as it was this week with a new client who wants to re-figure out who she is and what she wants for her future. But very often that question simmers just beneath the surface of concrete changes such as a career change, relationship beginning or ending, redundancy, a significant birthday, becoming a parent, retirement or a sense that something else - unclear - is shifting.
What’s behind this question is often a recognition that the identity we once wore comfortably now feels tight, outdated, or simply untrue. It no longer fits. Titles and labels that once held meaning have lost their significance and we find ourselves unsure if we’re clinging to a version of ourselves that no longer exists - or fear that if we let go, we feel exposed as to what is left in its place.
The ever-evolving self
It can be tempting to think of ourselves as fixed, and we give ourselves labels to help us solidify this. If you think about who you are or how you would describe yourself, I imagine you would find it hard without naming labels.
In reality, we are always evolving. We change in small, silent ways every day: in the stories we tell, the choices we make, the experiences we have, the conversations we share, the people we surround ourselves with. Sometimes change is gradual, unfolding over time (Merriam, 2005, would define this as a sleeper transition); other times change comes sharply, triggered by loss, growth, success, or disruption - either anticipated or unanticipated.
Even when you don’t notice it, you are shifting. The question isn’t if you are changing but how, and towards what?
Without the labels, who are we?
Michael Singer, author of ‘The Untethered Soul’, offers a provocative challenge: ‘You are not your name. You are not your job. You are not your history. You are not even your thoughts.’ So much of how we define ourselves is shaped by labels - a partner, coach, parent, leader, artist, introvert, sister, daughter, wife. These words give us meaning and structure, but they can also box us in, reducing the complexity of who we are to a neat set of categories. I often ask, who is this label for? Is it for me, or is it to help someone else feel at ease?
During the lead up to my own career break, I spent time pondering: ‘Who would I be without my job? How would I describe myself to others? How would people know who I was?’. I became so preoccupied with these questions that it delayed making a decision and I have since heard similar stories from others too.
I worried that by giving up my job, I’d be giving up my identity. I knew who I was at work, I had experience, I had respect, I had a title, I had a game face. When I met people and they asked ‘So what do you do?’, I had a solid answer.
In work, I was the manager, the motivator, the leader, decision maker, professional, formal, organiser, prioritiser. Out of work I was the friend, the sister, the daughter, supporter, carer, healthy, spiritual, casual, relaxed, informal, organiser. Not often did these two personas cross over so how could my identity lay simply in my job title?
Without realising it, so much of my work identity had taken centre stage in my social interactions, conversations and head space. The opportunity of a career break for me, presented the chance to understand the two ‘mes’ and take a more active role in choosing which I wanted to bring to the forefront. But that in-between bit of sitting and not knowing, was extremely uncomfortable and at times, terrifying.
Singer invites you to ask: Who are we without the labels? It challenges you to explore identity not as a fixed status, but as a living, breathing changing notion. Not this is who I am, but this is who I’m becoming.
The space in-between
William Bridges, in his work on transition, makes a distinction between change and transition. Change is external - something that happens to us, like a new job, a geographical move, a breakup. Transition is internal - the psychological and emotional process we go through as we let go of the old and prepare to step into the new. As with many endings and beginnings, there is often the messy middle part. It’s important to recognise the endings and all that comes with that (maybe grief, loss or even celebration) so that we can fully embrace and make space for the new.
According to Bridges, transitions unfold in three stages:
Endings – letting go of old identities or ways of being
The neutral zone – a space where the old is gone but the new hasn’t fully formed
New beginnings – the emergence of a new sense of self or direction
It’s in that middle space - the neutral zone - where the question Who am I now? becomes most alive and urgent. This in-between can feel uncomfortable, even scary, as we grapple to re-define and clutch something certain. But it’s also where growth happens, where new identities are forged not through striving, but through sitting in the uncertainty.
Lead with curiosity
If you find yourself in the in-between stages, you are not alone. I’ve come to realise, and appreciate, that this is not a problem to be solved, there is no final destination. Instead, it is a life-long question to ponder, with curiosity and without self-judgement.
Making space to recognise what was and what you need to say goodbye to is part of the healing process that carves the path to a new beginning.
Coaching, at its best, allows space for this exploration. Not to rush toward answers, but to make room for curiosity, nuance, and unknowing.
So if you’re asking Who am I now?, know that you’re not alone. You’re in the company of many who are quietly navigating this tender and powerful work alongside you.
If you'd like to know more about coaching together around this, or another subject, get in touch. or arrange a chemistry call here at a time that works for you.
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