Is 'faking it' really a strategy to build confidence?

We’ve all heard the saying ‘fake it til you make it’, but does it actually work? This was a question posed in a recent confidence building workshop that I was hosting.

And I gave a long winded, somewhat clumsy answer. 

It prompted me to gather my thoughts and reflect further because it’s more nuanced than a simple yes or no. 

Amy Cuddy’s TedTalk (2012), titled 'Fake it til you make it' talked of body language and confidence - it had a moment and went viral.  As a behavioural psychologist, she explained how taking up space (aka the power pose) can influence how we feel in the moment. The more space we take up, by raising our arms for example, the more confident we feel. As a tool, it’s simple and easy to put into practice. And whilst her talk has come under some criticism, it does work. Standing taller, putting your shoulders back and down, making the shape of an X does feel more empowering. Her phrasing: Fake it ’til you become it  implies we can trick ourselves into being confident.

So is that enough to master confidence? Walking around with our chests puffed out? I say no.

In that moment just before a big meeting or prior to going on stage, it can be one of many tools in your confidence tool kit that helps give you a boost. 

It can help you deliver in the short term for a specific goal. But long term, inner confidence is something that builds over time. And ebbs and flows throughout our lives, and different situations. 

The deeper meaning of confidence 

The word confidence originates from the Latin confidere, meaning ‘to trust within.’ That inner trust is key. It’s the internal sense that I’m ok as I am. Which is not the same as saying ’I’m perfect’, or 'I have nothing to learn' and 'I don’t need to develop myself'.  Esther Perel says it beautifully:

“Confidence is knowing you are a flawed human being, and yet you hold yourself in high regard.”

In essence, it’s self-awareness, self-knowledge and self-acceptance all in one; ‘I accept me as I am’.

There is a belief that many people carry which is that confidence is loud and showy. That you have to be cocky or arrogant or extroverted in order to feel confident. That is simply not true. I work with lots of introverted people who start out by thinking they need to change themselves in order to be confident. Re-working this belief is a wonderful thing and brings around so much lightness and freedom. It's the realisation that you don't have to change yourself to embody confidence - and what a relief that is!

Some of the most confident people I know and respect, are quietly confident. It's a considered thought, the confidence to stay quiet rather than speak for the sake of it, a slow pace, a pause. For them, it’s enough to have it on the inside.

Authenticity vs pretending

This is where being authentic comes into play - authenticity is the real you. When your mind, behaviours and actions are aligned that equals unity. None of that is fake.

Having worked with 100s of people on the subject of confidence, they tell me that confidence is being about to be themselves; it's comfort, authenticity and ease. 

Faking it on the other hand paints a different picture. It means putting on a mask or pretending to be something you’re not. And sustained over a long period, that can feel hollow and exhausting and leave you feeling depleted and lacking connection.

Pretending you are good at something rarely ends well. Eventually, you get found out (whether in the moment or later on) which will have negative repercussions on your relationships. Or the energy involved in trying to be someone you’re not will detrimentally impact your contentment, fulfilment, motivation and ultimately your well-being. 

So is faking it always bad?

Not necessarily. In the 1920s psychologist Alfred Adler introduced the concept of ‘acting as if’ - a technique where you behave in a way that aligns with your desired outcome. It's a bridge between intention and embodiment. 

When working on clients who want to change, or reach a specific goal, I may ask them to describe, in detail, their future self. When exploring the goal, I may then invite them to reflect on ‘what would your future self do?’, ‘how would your future self respond?’.

These simple questions allow the client to step into the mindset of their desired self, and create actions which align with who they want to be. It allows them to quickly access the approach of their future selves, and close the gap between now and then. I liken this technique with Adler’s ‘acting as if’. 

And that’s the key: it’s one technique to build confidence, not a permanent way of being.

I’ve ‘acted’ confident plenty of times - presenting to a Board, walking into a room full of strangers, delivering bad news. In those moments, I’ve used body language, posture, and tone to send a message, both outwardly to the audience and inwardly to myself.

I’ve also prepared by reframing limiting beliefs, looking for past evidence of success, studying content, practicing my notes, power posing in the toilet beforehand and using visualisation. 

Playing confident works because I know it’s temporary. It is one tool to help me move through discomfort, and take a desired action. It's not a rule to live by.

True confidence is built

Beautiful confidence comes with:

• Authenticity: aligning your actions and behaviour with values and beliefs

• Competence: skills built through effort, knowledge and continuous learning

• Transparency: honesty about gaps, curiosity about growth

• Self compassion: allowing mistakes, learning from failure and letting go of perfection

Ultimately, it is a practice, which is not a popular answer. It takes time and experimenting. I know we love a quick fix, and I'm sorry to say I don’t believe there is one. 

We can (and should) use a whole range of tactics to boost ourselves short term, to step outside that comfort zone, explore new territory and strive for the next goal. 

We can and should, use reflection, therapy, self-help and coaching to develop ourselves and reframe the beliefs that hold us back. 

THAT is where true confidence lies. 

Nothing replaces true inner confidence, and that comes from knowing yourself, accepting yourself and feeling comfortable in your skin. 'Fake it ’til you make it’ can be used as a stepping stone but not as a long-term plan. So gather the tools that work for you, try new ones and ask others what works for them. Curate your own toolkit to call on in those moments of self doubt.

Reflect on the tools in your toolkit. Which haven't you used in a while and what could support you now?

Can faking it really improve your confidence?