Needs and conflict: what's happening beneath the surface?

Needs always have a way of showing themselves. When we’re unaware of them or when we don’t feel safe enough to voice them, they emerge in unhelpful ways: frustration, blame, sarcasm, emotional withdrawal, outbursts.

Here’s an example a lot of us will be familiar with:

You walk in the door after a long, draining day and begin telling your partner about something that’s been weighing on you. As you speak, you notice they’re scrolling on their phone. They say, “I am listening,” and continue nodding along, but their eyes stay glued to the screen. You feel yourself getting hotter, irritated. Suddenly, you lash out: “You're not listening to me!” You stomp out of the room, slamming the door behind you.

This could easily be replaced by a situation at work or with your close family.

What’s really going on here?

Underneath the reaction is likely a deeper need, perhaps to be seen, to feel valued, to feel important, to connect. That need has gone unmet in the moment, and instead of being acknowledged or expressed, it shows itself through anger and withdrawal.

This is a pattern we all fall into. In the heat of conflict, we often fight for our version of events:

• “That’s not what I said.”

• “You always twist things.”

• “I wouldn’t have acted like that if you hadn’t…”

  
  

It becomes about being right. But when we focus on the facts, the timeline, or the blame, we miss the most crucial part - what we needed in that moment.

Imagine instead saying, “I needed to feel like what I was saying mattered to you.” Or, “I needed your attention after the day I’ve had.”

conflict often arises where there is an unmet need

That kind of vulnerability opens the door to empathy and curiosity, rather than anger and defensiveness.

When we name the need, instead of just the behaviour, we bring clarity to the heart of the conflict. And in doing so, we make connection and repair far more possible.

A first step I'd suggest if this sounds like something you'd like to work on, is to start identifying your own needs - the more we're aware of our needs, the more able we are to begin communicating them to others. Next time you find yourself reacting or retreating in the middle of a disagreement, ask yourself:

What need of mine is going unmet right now?

What needs to happen to help get this need met?

Can I share that need instead of defending my position?

It won’t fix everything in an instant but it will shift the conversation from “You vs. Me” to “Here’s where I'm coming from.” And that is where healing, understanding, and stronger relationships begin.