Setting boundaries to empower yourself

"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others." Brené Brown

Boundaries get a lot of air time on social media. And for good reason too. In both our personal and professional lives, boundaries are essential. Not only do they help us protect our time, energy, and wellbeing - they also improve relationships, support growth, and clarify what we stand for.

Yet many of us struggle to define, express, or stick to our boundaries. It certainly wasn't something that was discussed when I was growing up or something I thought I could be proud of. Many of us have been conditioned to equate boundary-setting with selfishness, rudeness or being 'difficult'.

Let's explore this subject to help you build healthy boundaries and understand more about why you may find it challenging.

What are boundaries?

Unlike what many of us think, boundaries are not walls to keep others out. They’re guidelines for how we engage with others and the world and therefore help us create more authentic connection. They define what's ok and what's not ok for you and so to be our true selves with other people, we need to be comfortable (or more comfortable) with sharing our boundaries with them. Think of it as a kindness.

When starting to think about your boundaries, an important first step is to consider your personal needs. What do you need in order to be at your best, most authentic, most patient, creative and truest self? To ensure your needs are met, you're likely to need a boundary in place to protect that need.

A person without boundaries is like a house without doors and windows. Anyone can come in and take what they want.

Those boundaries may take on all sorts of shapes and sizes. According to psychologist Dr Nedra Glover Tawwab, boundaries are essential for mental health, and they fall into several categories:

• Physical: Your personal space, touch, rest, your home, order and control

• Emotional: What you’re available to hold for others

• Time-based: How your time is managed or respected, when you're available, how you spend your time

• Energetic: What (or who) drains or nourishes you

• Digital: How accessible you are through technology, what apps you use, what groups you're part of, working hours.

There is no one size fits all when it comes to boundaries. We all have different needs and preferences, and respecting your own boundaries is an important way to show yourself respect.

Spend time thinking about what needs you have, and what boundaries (in each of the above categories) would help you protect that need.

Identify your personal boundary challenges

Before you can set a boundary, you have to know where one is missing or being crossed.

Common signs you may need a boundary:

• You feel resentful, overextended, or anxious in a relationship or commitment

• You regularly say 'yes' when you mean 'no'

• You feel responsible for other people’s feelings or outcomes

• You find yourself overwhelmed a lot of the time

Setting boundaries is easier said than done. We often feel guilty or worried about what others think of us. We all have beliefs and values around what it means to set a boundary and this can make it challenging to communicate our needs.

You may be influenced by:

• What you learnt (or didn't) about boundaries growing up

• Role models and how they set boundaries

• What you believe about yourself

• Confidence and self-worth

• People pleasing tendencies

• Who you're with

• What you believe about authority

• Lack of practice

I had a client struggling with boundary setting in her work and personal life - it was really impacting her in a negative way. She wanted to be more confident but every time she tried and was challenged, she backed down. I asked her how she felt when others set boundaries with her, and she said she felt rejected. If she sub-consciously felt this way, it was no wonder it was difficult for her to then set her own boundaries. She didn’t want others to feel rejected. So rather than starting with practical strategies for boundary-setting, we worked on getting to the heart of that - where it came from in order to reframe how she saw boundaries it for her. It took time but she started small.

Ask yourself:

• Where do I feel drained in my life or work?

• Where am I tolerating something that feels out of alignment?

• What behaviours or situations trigger guilt, overwhelm, or burnout?

  
  

Understanding your boundary challenges is essential to building confidence around them.

Communicating your boundaries

You can’t expect others to adhere to boundaries that you haven't communicated. People aren't mind-readers. Clear, compassionate communication is what transforms an internal boundary into an external agreement. Here are some things to think about:

• Use assertive 'I' statements that focus on your needs, not blame or control:

  • 'I’m not available after 6pm so I can recharge.'

  • 'I need 24 hours to respond to messages.'

  • 'I’m happy to help, but I need more notice.'

• Be proactive and set your boundary in advance if possible. (before a problem arises)

• Stay firm and flexible - It's ok to adjust your boundary if necessary and you feel authentically ok with doing so.

• Deal with pushback - When someone resists your boundary (and they will), stay calm and repeat it.

Non-violent communication (Rosenberg, 2003) teaches that clear boundaries come from observing behaviour, identifying a feeling, naming a need, and making a request.

Remember: clear is kind. People can't respect boundaries they don’t understand.

Getting started with boundaries

So where to start? Here are some tips for getting started with confident boundary-setting:

1. Do the inner work - explore your relationship to boundaries and identify your challenges

2. Start small - identify one thing you want to work on and start with someone you know and trust (you could even tell them this is something you're working on and want to practice it with them)

3. Stay consistent - once you've set a boundary, try to stick to it, even it is feels uncomfortable to start with

4. Respect other people's boundaries - you may start to notice more when others share a boundary with you. Learn to respect theirs and even thank them for sharing it with you - it will mean a lot.

5. Expect pushback - sometimes the people who push back the most are the ones who benefit most from you not having boundaries. Not everyone will agree, and that's ok.

6. Self-compassion - check in with yourself regularly, especially if you notice resentment or overwhelm building up - ask what boundaries are serving you well and which need re-instating.

Dr. Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion shows that people who treat themselves with kindness are more resilient in maintaining boundaries and handling feedback.

Final thoughts

Boundaries aren’t barriers; they are essential for thriving in your life. You are allowed to have them, and by setting them in your relationships, you're role modelling this behaviour to others too, empowering them to create peace and inner calm in their life.

It takes time and practice, but it is possible to get more comfortable with the boundary-setting practice that you aspire to have. And if you need some support, you can always get in touch for a chat.

Confident boundary setting