Why do we find it so hard to accept praise?

At a team awayday I was facilitating recently, one team member (let's call her team member A), offered team member B some feedback 'I really value your ability to analyse data. Not only that, you are able to clearly articulate it in a way even I can understand'. You could see team member B physically squirm as she scrunched up her face in discomfort. Now this could be in part, because this lovely feedback was shared publicly in front of colleagues. But either way, I think we can all resonate with that uncomfortable feeling that pulsates through us when someone says something positive about you. Why is it so hard to accept a compliment?

I find this especially interesting because many of us have an inherent need to be seen and valued. We want to be acknowledged for our hard work, our discipline, for our contribution. Yet when recognition is given, we often deflect it. 'Oh, it was nothing.' or 'I was just doing my job', 'It's nothing anyone else wouldn't do'.

And this isn't reserved solely for the workplace either. Think about other relationships. A friend thanks you for being so thoughtful, your partner congratulations you on your recent 5k run, your parent acknowledges you for everything you're juggling. But are you really hearing it?

Why do we struggle to accept praise?

There are several layers to this; psychological, cultural, and emotional.

• Identity and cognitive dissonance - According to the theory of cognitive dissonance, we feel discomfort when external feedback conflicts with our internal self-view. If your self-concept is self-critical or modest, praise can feel jarring or even untrue so your instinct is to reject it. In addition, let's take for example, someone who has spent their life trying to cover up their disorganisation as they have been conditioned to believe that organisation and control and order is the 'right' way to be. Outwardly they appear to be super organised as this is the persona they've projected to the world. Yet, when in their own company they release control and are happy to live in a bit of chaos. When colleagues acknowledge them for their organisation of the team meetings and record taking, they dismiss it instantly - it jars with who they believe themselves to be. However, to those colleagues, that organised version is the one they see.

  
  

• Imposter phenomenon - Psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes first described this in 1978, describing how capable individuals often attribute their success to luck or timing rather than ability. For someone experiencing imposter-like feelings, praise can feel undeserved - a spotlight on what they fear others might soon 'discover' isn’t real. Those experiencing imposter-like thoughts and feelings may also resonate with perfectionist tendencies or holding themselves to impossibly high standards. This means that whatever praise they receive, they will always feel they could do more, that there is further to strive and so accepting praise can feel like accepting second best.

  
  

• Cultural conditioning and social norms - In some societies, humility and modesty are social currencies. Standing out, being visible or even appearing to 'own' success can feel uncomfortable or even inappropriate. In some cultures, talking about yourself positively can be seen as arrogant, bragging or showing off and many of us carry that conditioning into the workplace meaning it difficult to accept any positive comments whatsoever.

  
  

• Negativity bias - Neuroscience tells us that our brains are wired to notice and hold onto criticism more readily than praise (Baumeister et al., “Bad is stronger than good,” 2001). We focus on the one negative comment, in a sea of 100 other positive ones. It’s a survival mechanism, but one that makes it difficult to integrate positive feedback with the same weight and isn't objective. If we're focusing on the negative, we must also learn to focus on the positive and hold them with equal weight.

  
  

What happens when we deflect praise?

When we dismiss compliments, we inadvertently reinforce the belief that our efforts aren’t worthy of recognition. Over time, this becomes a habit. It's our default reaction. But this chips away at confidence, and even trains those around us to stop offering positive feedback altogether. They start to think it's not worth sharing their positive comments because they're constantly rejected. They may even want to spare making you feel uncomfortable so instead, say nothing and hold their positive thoughts about you within them.

I was once told me that receiving a compliment is akin to receiving a gift. We wouldn't shove a gift back in the givers face. No. We would graciously accept the gift and say 'thank you', also making the giver feel seen. The same applies to compliments. Can you learn to practice receiving these with a simple 'thank you'? - you may even think about how it feels to you when you give someone a genuine compliment and they reject it - how are you left feeling?

Of course, not ALL feedback is worthy of our attention. I'm sure we can all think of feedback that's been given to us in the past and it really hasn't been helpful. But has stuck. I really like Tara Mohr's model for receiving feedback which gives you agency as to whether you accept it or not. She advocates asking yourself 'What does this feedback tell me about the person giving it?' Does it give you information as to their motive, needs or preferences? Something we tend to skip when receiving feedback. So how do we know what to accept and what to reject? The important thing here is balance, and to ensure you're not being overly critical of yourself with only seeing one perspective.

The benefits of accepting praise

When we accept positive feedback from people we trust and respect, genuinely and with openness, we engage in what Carl Rogers called 'unconditional positive regard' toward ourselves. We allow external affirmation to align with internal growth. Doing so builds:

• Authentic confidence - grounded in self-awareness and growth rather than ego.

• Psychological safety in teams - when people see that appreciation is received, they feel safer giving it.

• Self respect - you may not always agree with the praise being given, but you're mature enough to accept that others may see you in the way they say. Respect yourself enough to allow the feedback to settle, with a gentleness.

• Motivation and resilience - as praise helps highlight progress and reinforces effort-based success.

How to begin shifting from deflection to acceptance

So how do we do it? It's a practice so as with any practice it takes time.

1. Pause and breathe. Before the automatic 'it was nothing' escapes your lips, take a moment. Awareness is the first step to change anything. You might spend time just noticing when this praise appears, you may then progress to writing them down as a record. This is all building awareness.

2. Say 'thank you.' As awkward as that may feel, trust me it gets easier the more you do it. Start with someone close to you. It’s simple, genuine, and powerful.

3. Reflect, don’t reject. Ask yourself, 'What might this person be seeing that I haven’t seen yet?' - praise can often illuminate blind spots or skills and strengths we haven't registered about ourselves.

4. Link it to your values, not your ego. Accepting praise doesn’t mean arrogance; it means acknowledging that your effort aligned with your values or purpose.

5. Practice self-acknowledgment. As positive psychology researcher Kristin Neff reminds us, self-compassion is not self-indulgence; it’s the foundation for healthy growth and sustainable well-being.

   
   

Accepting praise with grace isn’t vanity. It's a willingness to integrate the good with the imperfect. To accept that you are a whole human being - yes we all have flaws, but yes we can also hold ourselves in high regard, and learning to accept praise teaches us this.

So next time someone says, 'You did an amazing job,' pause. Smile. And simply say, 'Thank you.'

Are you a praise accepter or a praise shirker?

Gemma Brown is a life and career coach based in Cambridge. For information about her 1-2-1 coaching services, workshops or team coaching, do contact her here.