Is comparison really the thief of joy?

If only we didn’t compare ourselves to others. Imagine the freedom that would create. If you find yourself measuring your progress against others, you may also find it exhausting.

Not only does comparison drain your energy, but it can also impact your mindset, your self belief and overall sense of fulfillment. So perhaps, Theodore Roosevelt was right when he said, 'Comparison is the thief of joy'.

Avoiding comparison can be difficult - especially when we are constantly bombarded with curated portrayals of perfection on social media. Many clients I work with don’t initially realise how much comparison is affecting them until they bring it up in a coaching session.

And rarely is it in a positive way.

Why do we compare ourselves to others?

The tendency to compare ourselves to others is deeply rooted in human nature.

Social Comparison Theory, first proposed by psychologist Leon Festinger in the 1950s, suggests that we have an innate drive to evaluate ourselves through comparison. Historically, this helped us survive - whether by being better at hunting or outpacing potential threats.

Comparison can serve as a useful tool for self-assessment and growth. By observing others, we can gain insights that help us develop and improve. For example, when starting a new job or joining a new social group, you might subconsciously assess others’ skills and attributes to determine where you fit in.

However, comparison can also influence how we act, think, and feel - sometimes in ways that limit us.

The two types of social comparison

1. Upward Social Comparison

When we compare ourselves to others we believe as better than us (called Upward Social Comparison), we can use this as motivation or stimulus to improve a skill or attribute. It can give you information about what you want in future and help you to set goals for self-improvement.

This is a very useful and motivating role that comparison can play.

However, more often than not people fall into the trap of using comparison to beat themselves up, thinking; 'they're so much better than me', 'I could never do what they do', 'If only I was like them'. Negative self-talk takes over and keeps you stuck.

You may also find you end up seeking out more evidence to support this comparison, which in turn can erode any self-esteem and increase your self-doubt. If you allow it to spiral, comparison in this way can really impact your well-being and mental health.

2. Downward Social Comparison

We also compare to others to make ourselves feel better (known as Downward Social Comparison). This is when we compare to others we perceive as worse off, or not as good as us in a particular area. Comparing to someone who isn't as good as you, can make you feel better about your own abilities.

What can help overcome the habit of comparison?

Overcoming the habit of constantly comparing yourself to others can contribute to greater well-being and a more positive self-image. Here are some tips to help you stop or reduce such comparisons:

1. Practice self-awareness

Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings when you catch yourself comparing. Consider what it is you're comparing yourself to (try to be specific), and what this information tells you.

Try to understand the impact of these comparisons on your emotions and self-esteem and behaviour.

2. Challenge negative thoughts

Question the accuracy of your comparisons. Are you comparing yourself based on a complete and realistic picture of the other person's life? Challenge negative self-talk and reframe it with more positive and constructive thoughts. If the comparison highlights something you want for yourself, think about positive ways you can go about achieving them.

3. Celebrate your achievements

Focus on your own accomplishments, no matter how small. Acknowledge your progress and achievements, and be proud of your unique journey.

4. Set realistic goals

Establish personal goals based on your own values and aspirations rather than trying to meet others' expectations or being distracted by what others have. Break down larger goals into smaller, achievable steps to build a sense of accomplishment.

5. Limit social media use

Be mindful of the impact of social media on your well-being. Remember that people often share curated and selective aspects of their lives. Consider taking breaks from social media or unfollowing accounts that trigger negative comparisons.

6. Focus on your personal development journey

Shift your focus from external validation to internal growth and self-improvement. Embrace challenges as opportunities for learning and development.

7. Develop self-compassion

Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult times. Talk to yourself the way you would a friend, and try to cultivate that compassionate self-talk. Recognise that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and imperfections are a part of being human.

Finally

The key is awareness: recognising when we’re comparing and being intentional about how we respond. Can we use comparison as motivation for self-improvement, or is it leading us into self-doubt? If it's the latter, implementing tools like self-awareness, self-compassion, and a focus on personal growth can help us break free from the cycle.

Breaking the habit of comparison takes time, but with patience and practice, you can cultivate a mindset that values your unique path.

If you'd like to know more about coaching together around this, or another subject, get in touch. or arrange a chemistry call here at a time that works for you.

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