If only we didn’t compare ourselves to others. Imagine the freedom that would create? If you're someone who finds themselves thinking constantly about what others are doing (or not doing) and measuring yourself up against them, you may find it is exhausting.
Not only does it drain your energy, it can impact your mindset, your self belief and keep you stuck. So perhaps, Theodore Roosevelt was right when he said that 'Comparison is the thief of joy'.
It can be hard not to compare yourself with others. Especially when we’re constantly bombarded by the perceived perfection of the lives of others on social media. This is a topic that often comes up with clients, and until they've shared something in the coaching space, they may not have realised that comparison to others is what is impacting them.
And rarely is it in a positive way.
But why do we do it?
The tendency to compare ourselves to others is a complex human behaviour influenced by various factors.
Social Comparison Theory, first proposed by psychologist Leon Festinger in the 1950s, suggests that we all have an innate drive to evaluate ourselves by comparing to others (which links back to our need to survive and be better than others at killing our food, or out running things that might eat us).
Social comparison serves as a mechanism for self-assessment and self-improvement. By observing others, we can in turn, evaluate ourselves and discover new ways to develop and grow.
You might notice you do this or have done this in the past. Perhaps when starting a new job or meeting a new group of people, you quickly assess the traits, attributes, skills and abilities of others to see where you 'fit in'. Maybe you score yourself better than someone in some areas, and weaker than someone in others. Have you also noticed how this comparison may lead you to act, behave, think or feel differently?
Upward Social Comparison
When we compare ourselves to others we believe as better than us (called Upward Social Comparison), we can use this as motivation or stimulus to improve a skill or attribute. It can give you information about what you want in future and help you to set goals for self-improvement.
This is a very useful and motivating role that comparison can play.
However, more often than not people fall into the trap of using comparison to beat themselves up, thinking; 'they're so much better than me', 'I could never do what they do', 'If only I was like them'. Negative self-talk takes over and keeps you stuck.
You may also find you end up seeking out more evidence to support this comparison, which in turn can erode any self-esteem and increase your self-doubt. If you allow it to spiral, comparison in this way can really impact your well-being and mental health.
Downward Social Comparison
We also compare to others to make ourselves feel better (known as Downward Social Comparison). This is when we compare to others we perceive as worse off, or not as good as us in a particular area. Comparing to someone who isn't as good as you, can make you feel better about your own abilities.
What can help?
Overcoming the habit of constantly comparing yourself to others can contribute to greater well-being and a more positive self-image. Here are some tips to help you stop or reduce such comparisons:
Practice self-awareness
Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings when you catch yourself comparing. Consider what it is you're comparing yourself to (try to be specific), and what this information tells you.
Try to understand the impact of these comparisons on your emotions and self-esteem and behaviour.
2. Challenge negative thoughts
Question the accuracy of your comparisons. Are you comparing yourself based on a complete and realistic picture of the other person's life? Challenge negative self-talk and reframe it with more positive and constructive thoughts. If the comparison highlights something you want for yourself, think about positive ways you can go about achieving them.
3. Celebrate your achievements
Focus on your own accomplishments, no matter how small. Acknowledge your progress and achievements, and be proud of your unique journey.
4. Set realistic goals
Establish personal goals based on your own values and aspirations rather than trying to meet others' expectations or being distracted by what others have. Break down larger goals into smaller, achievable steps to build a sense of accomplishment.
5. Limit social media use
Be mindful of the impact of social media on your well-being. Remember that people often share curated and selective aspects of their lives. Consider taking breaks from social media or unfollowing accounts that trigger negative comparisons.
6. Focus on your personal development journey
Shift your focus from external validation to internal growth and self-improvement. Embrace challenges as opportunities for learning and development.
7. Develop self-compassion
Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult times. Talk to yourself the way you would a friend, and try to cultivate that compassionate self-talk. Recognise that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and imperfections are a part of being human.
So is comparison the thief of joy? I think yes, it can be. The key is to be aware that you're doing it and be intentional about what you do with that information. Can you use it to self-improve or set yourself a goal? If it is not helpful, put in place tools and techniques - such as developing self-awareness, practicing self-compassion, and focusing on personal growth - to prevent you from excessively comparing yourself to others.
Remember that breaking the habit of comparison is a process that takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and focus on cultivating a mindset that values your uniqueness and personal journey.
If you'd like to know more about coaching together around this, or another subject, get in touch. or arrange a chemistry call here at a time that works for you.
